There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
