my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
