So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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