wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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