you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
