God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
