You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm gonna fight the coyote
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
