watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
