put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
