you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
