I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
