i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
