Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
