I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
