I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
