Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So much Jack, so little girl.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
