Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
