I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
