i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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