I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
