do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
