the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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