Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
