i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
