God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We talked him into tasing himself.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
