theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
