He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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