Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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