i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize