we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
