I've blown a few things in my day
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
