i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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