you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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