nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
