I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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