Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
