Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Do vagina's smell?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
