I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize