omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
