I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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