I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
