We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
