I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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