I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize