Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
