i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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