I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
