you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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