Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.