Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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