Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
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i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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