She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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