Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
