So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
