The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
